Long Forgotten Feeling of Her
by cydonic
Summary: There's no change, there's no pace, everything within its place. Faberry.


Setting foot in Lima again was like stepping back in time, back into a town cocooned safely in the early two-thousands. It feels still dusty like that spring-summer they'd graduated in, the grass struggling to maintain its bright green lustre under the threatening heat of the sun.

_...and there they lay, laughing, rachel burying her face against quinn's neck. "there's prickles in here." she cried in between giggles, trying to roll and escape. quinn had her pinned with one hand, the school was closed for the summer, no one would come down onto the field, and she kissed rachel and she forgot all about the thorns jabbing into her back..._

There isn't much different Quinn notices. Parts of the asphalt have cracked and risen, trees seeking greater things with their roots upturning the edges of the road. Seeking to escape, just as they all had. All but one.

Glee hadn't exactly been the best way to set off in the world. Somehow, though, somehow, they'd all found their way.

… "_i don't want to go, though." rachel had said, holding her nyada acceptance, the one thing she'd been clinging to. on that single sheet of paper was all her hopes and dreams, all her hard work, and it had paid off in a full-ride scholarship. "we can visit each other." quinn had tried to smile and lift her spirits, but she just couldn't, not when they were going to have to dorm an hour away from each other struggling to make ends meet and seeing one another on the weekend would take a backseat to study and work..._

Maybe it wasn't the best way, but they'd made it out of Lima before it was too late. Before they became like Mrs Tills who ran the local store, who only showed the decade she'd aged in a few more frown lines and grey hairs. Maybe Brittany could have done more than be an adult entertainer, but she was happy. It put food on the table whilst Santana struggled to get her law degree. Finn had fallen into the family career behind his step-dad, a mechanic in a quiet suburb surrounding Colombus.

Then there were those who had made it - Kurt had flown back to Lima from France after working on his latest fashion line. It wasn't what he'd wanted, not really, but there just wasn't a market in Broadway for him. Quinn suspected there was still something sour between he and Blaine, who had starred in several shows of recent years.

… "_you can't give it up, rach." quinn said, squeezing her hands over rachel's shoulders as she prepared to leave in the morning, to get into her car and say goodbye to lima goodbye to ohio goodbye to quinn..._

Others had disappeared off the grid, but that was good for them. So long as they didn't disappear into the hum-drum of Lima, where nothing ever happened, where every night the cassette would hit its end and someone would rewind it and they'd wake up and go again.

They sat around a table at Breadstix, which hadn't changed in ten years either. Even the waitress looked the same, like she came with the place. Everything was the same as it had always been. "You remember all those championships we had?" Santana said, wistfulness softening the edge on her voice as Brittany snuggled up against her arm.

… "_so, what did you want to talk about, quinn?" rachel asked, pressing her spinach and feta ravioli around the plate with her fork, head tilted so that her hair curled down across her chest. quinn purposefully avoided looking at her. she looked everywhere else - the vase of dusty, fake flowers sitting near the entrance, the single downlight in the ceiling that had gone out, the baby behind and to the left of rachel throwing spaghetti on the floor. "we're dating, right?" quinn asked, distracted, finger drawing love hearts in the condensation from her glass..._

"Yeah." Quinn said with a sigh and then a quiet smile. The whole group was there - McKinley High had hosted a ten year reunion, and the Glee members had decided to get together for it. It was unorganised, arranged on the spot with hopes that Breadstix would have a table big enough for all of them.

Everyone looked the same. There was some definition to the faces that wasn't there before, the weight of a world that was _real_ pulling down at their skin. "Nothing's really changed, has it?" Mercedes asked, breaking the silence that had settled over the table.

… _they walked barefoot together, side by side, sharing a fairy floss that hadn't gone up in price since quinn could remember. "this place is never going to change, is it?" rachel asked quietly, watching the sun set. "it's always going to be the same." and she turned to quinn and smiled just a little bit "i like that. i don't want things to change." rachel leaned up so that her lips were caressing the outer shell of quinn's ear "i don't ever want to leave right now..."_

Most of the table hummed in agreement. Kurt made a sideways joke about how they could all just be out on a celebratory Glee dinner rather than having spent years apart. People laughed, they made more comments about Lima, how glad they were to be gone.

… "_you'll be glad when you can leave here." quinn said to rachel's body as it lay in the hospital bed. as the heart monitor flatlined, she wasn't sure if that was what she'd meant..._

"Yeah." Quinn had agreed at last, feeling the pressure of eyes on her. She sat beside the head seat of the table, distinctly empty. There was no voice there overpowering them, talking about Broadway and the bright lights. About all the achievements she had, about all she had accomplished, because Quinn knew - they all knew - that Rachel was going to do great things. There was no doubt about it.

Quinn wasn't going to breakdown. She'd cried enough - cried tears she hadn't thought her body could produce, but they'd kept coming. The memories of Rachel Berry would not tear her apart, not here. Even if everyone looked at her like she was a china doll, a knock and she'd be shattered, Quinn knew it wasn't so. They must forget who had made their lives miserable in the years before Glee.

… "_why were you always so mean to us?" rachel asked, drawing patterns along quinn's finely toned midriff. "in glee. you'd slushie us and tease us. i don't get it." quinn had struggled out "i just wanted-" but it couldn't form "-what you all had." rachel didn't discriminate and pulled her closer..._

Dinner was a night for lies, for games of _do you remember...?_ And for a few minutes, Quinn believed she was back in her cheerleading glory days, looking forward to leaving Lima not looking forward to being back in the town. She could believe that she and Santana and Brittany were getting Breadstix after another Nationals trophy, because if she squinted hard enough Santana's red shirt could pass as the Cheerio's uniform.

They parted ways early in the evening. It just felt so wrong to be there, all together and yet _not_. Quinn pulled out of the parking lot, heading not for home, there was no home here any more, but for the cemetery. The grass there was less maintained than at McKinley and Quinn heard it crunch underfoot.

Her feet walked the path there well, knowing where to go when her mind had left.

… "_you can look at it, you know." rachel stated as they walked past the wrought iron gates of the cemetery. "but why would i want to?" quinn asked, casting a sideways glance over the display of tombstones and worn dirt paths between the more popular graves. one plot was freshly dug up, dirt overturned. "death is a part of life. you have to accpet it." rachel said in her matter-of-fact way..._

Quinn didn't stay long. She'd bought flowers - gardenias and pink carnations.

… "_it means secret love." rachel had admitted quietly in the halls, facing off against quinn with her hands held by her side..._

Pink carnations mean I'll never forget you.

… _rachel had inspired in her some interest in flower meanings, a brief infatuation with making bouquets to convey meaning. it was a good thing so many flowers meant love in some way or another or else quinn's gifts would have gotten repetative..._

She traced the letters on the tombstone briefly, thumbing the tiny star engraved by her name. And then she left, because she couldn't bear to be there any longer.

Quinn drove back to Rachel's place. Her family had long since moved from Lima, and Rachel's fathers had told her always - _always _- come by. And so she did. She pulled into the driveway, the same driveway with Rachel's thumbprints in the corner of the cement. The roses had been trimmed but looked the same as always, the oak in the front as tall as it had ever been.

Nothing ever changed. Nothing.

… "_i love you, quinn..."_

Which just made it harder to believe that Rachel wouldn't be around.

**–––**

**author's notes:** inspired heavily by flame trees by cold chisel and a prompt by fbltrasco at tumblr. enjoy.


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